Damn the Swimsuits

I went to Big Box Store to buy sweatpants and came home with a swimsuit.  I’m not sure how that happened.  I hate swimsuits.  I hate trying on swimsuits.  As I look in the mirror, I realize that I could be Lou Ferrigno’s body double in The Incredible Hulk except instead of  six pack abs, I have a jello six pack.  Instead of a hot chick on a motorcycle, a motorcycle tire runs around my middle. I once watched an episode on Cagney and Lacy many years ago where Sharon Gless as Cagney did not want to wear a swimsuit in front of her boyfriend.  She quipped something along the lines of not being embarrassed to be naked during sex, but swimsuits were different.  I agree Sharon Gless.

Just when I feel I am gaining some ground in the ongoing quest to “get in shape”, I go try on a swimsuit.  Mistake.  At home I am pudgy, plump, not obese.  In a dressing room I suddenly turn into a great hulking linebacker.  The mirrors in the dressing room are inhumanely straight out of a “fun” house where all  looks are distorted. None of them look good.  Every pock mark of cellulite is magnified, quadrupled in size and density in the close quarters of my fun house mirror.  Not pretty.  Can I wear spanx under my swimsuit?

Image result for linebacker in a swimsuit cartoon

I get mad at a society (myself) that makes me think I have to be thin.  I know this is a problem.   Why do I care?  Because dresses that I buy are made for someone with Pamela Anderson size boobs, but Tinker Bell size waists.  Who are these women?

I never wanted any kind of plastic surgery.  My friends get face lifts, injections, boob jobs, tummy tucks.  Whatever.  I worked hard to get my body.  I had to eat a lot of cookies and drink a lot of beer to get this way and I enjoyed every minute.  I see advertisments on TV for  cosmetic surgery to tighten or pretty up my hoohaw.  No thanks.

I don’t understand the dichotomy of thin women and overweight men–women being judged by men that need to lose a few inches themselves. Or worse–women judging other women!

I’ve earned my body fair and square.  In the immortal words of Popeye the sailor man, “I yam what I yam.”

Image result for potato in swimsuit



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